Saturday, July 11, 2009

Feeling Exposed!


I am a guarded person, it’s as simple as that.  I have issues with expressing my feelings, not so much on paper, but certainly in person.  I don’t know if it is a lack of something or a deeper issue, I’m guessing the later LOL!  I just don’t feel comfortable with people seeing me vulnerable, it makes me feel that much more exposed.  This doesn’t mean I don’t care about other people because I really do.  I don’t like seeing others in pain whether it be physically or emotionally and I genuinely wish I could help them in some way… just not verbally… face to face LOL!!  I get awkward, sweaty and fidgety if I have to try to console someone in person.  The same is usually true if I try to give a heartfelt “Thank-you” (so glad there are Thank-you cards that you write things on!)   On paper I can do it with no problem because I’m not worried about them seeing me with my guard down and can easily express myself. 

I do not have any of these issues with my daughter.  It is so funny and great how they can bring out the best in people!  Funny enough, my foot phobia (feet—GAG!!) disappears with her too, however I think the foot phobia will return when she is a teenager. 

Now what has got me feeling all unnerved?  Two silly dreams!  I had 2 dreams that I got a BFP.  I was very excited and happy in my dream and then I woke up.  I hate that feeling when you realized it was just a dream and it wasn’t real but even more than that I hate that I am having these dreams at all!!  I don’t want to dream about getting BFN’s either but for me they are easier to handle.  For me, going into an IVF cycle expecting the worst and hoping for the best is far easier than expecting the best.  These dreams are throwing me for a loop because I think subconsciously I am expecting this to work and don’t want to be super disappointed if it doesn’t.  Consciously, I know that this cycle has less of a chance at working than my first cycle and I tell myself that everyday, but as the starting date draws closer I can’t help feeling too excited for my own good.  That is why I am normally guarded, when you don’t expect much, you are not often disappointed. 

Geese, I ‘m a big ball of happiness tonight aren’t I, LOL?! 

1 comment:

  1. Bet it feels good to get all that out. I know how you feel (the being gaurded at times part) it is more of a comfortableness (I know I am making my own words up). I am a caring and loving person and the easiest place to do that is with my family and at work. My job as a PSW has really made being able to console and comfort people so much easier.
    Know that I am hear if ever you feel you need so spill it out. Thinking of you.
    Hopefully I will have some faster intenet by tomorrow or tuesday and can get rolling with my blog. I cannot even listen to your song on here it keeps cutting out. dial up sucks ass! TTYS